Ace Of Spade

Irresponsible

2010-06-20T03:43:00.002+08:00

I'd rather be called a bitch, a slut, a whore, than be called irresponsible mom.

It wasn't just the abuse of my trust and love that hurt me in this relationship, one of them was being stabbed at the back by the man you love.

When I'm with my friends, I always say good things about Ernel even though most of the time he was not. I never told anyone that he cheated on me before, the last time he cheated was the 6th time. And when I could no longer keep it to myself, I told the whole world about it. All my friends and our family were really shock about it.

What really hurt me most was when he told his mistresses Shyne and Sheila, ans his team mates, that I was an irresponsible mother to his kids. I don't know how he told him, but what he complained to me was that I never feed Migue myself, that I always let the Yaya do it. It was silly because he was the one who gave Migue bruises, I remember when Migue was a few weeks old he threw the lampin on his face because he won't stop crying, I remember when Migue was 6 months old he slapped his leg so hard because Migue won't stop crying, and I wasn't there because I was working. He was the one who spanked Migue with a belt that gave him bruises, because Migue had a fever and won't drink his medicine.

Am I the irresponsible one?

Let's not forget, was I who cheated?

Weakness

2010-06-18T16:46:00.003+08:00

Ever have someone who knows your weaknesses and abuses it?
The fact that they know you can't live without them, they take advantage of that.

I remember when Ernel packs his things because he wanted to leave (I wonder why he have to call himself a man) he does this to test me if I would want to keep him. He had done this several times, and every time he walks out of that door, I call him back home. I cry out loud even if the neighbors hear it. I used to think that I must not care, this is the love of my life is leaving. He comes back home and I assume he thinks, "Hahah You can't make it without me, I win again and I will be keeping Sheila or Shyne still."

I sometimes want to hit my head so hard on the wall for my senses to come back. No one made me cry so hard before. No one embarrassed me this much before. No one abused all the love I had before.

One day, Ernel wanted to leave again and this time I told him, "If you don't want us fixed ever, then leave. But please don't come back or show up at my mom's house. If I cry and ask you to stay, don't turn back. You must be firm. If you don't love me, and you don't want me to love you, make me feel that you don't. Stop abusing me." So he decided to stay and convinced himself never to do that again, because I'll never stop him again.

Sometimes we think that we can't make it without them, but we sure can! If you are in an abusive relationship, you might want to think if you deserve that. If you have no senses, might want to try banging that head of yours.

Sweet Vengeance

2010-06-07T08:56:00.006+08:00

What would you do if in a daily basis, ma kita nimu ang mga kabit sa imung bana?
(The cebuano term is best when you want to make your sentence sound mad and bad)
I go to work each day, praying I will not see either of them. There were 2 mistress, one works at i2 building, one works at i3 building. Funny thing is, I work on both buildings. I get transferred from one office to the other. It makes me wish I get to pass the Narnia door our supervisors use when transporting from i2 to i3. They don't have to use the elevator to go down the lobby and walk to the next building.

If I happen to see both of them bitches the same day, I get furious. Seeing one of them makes me vicious enough.

What I do instead, I pray. God knows what I pray about. I got my fingers crossed each day hoping the good Lord above answers it. Don't worry, it's nothing bad. God doesn't answer evil prayers.

Time

2010-05-31T18:06:00.001+08:00

I've had enough and have learned the hard way.
I no longer ask for love.
All I ask for is Time and little things such as:
Be on time, clean the house, give me the material things I need and not want.

Just those simple things and still you can't give them to me.
What can you give?

Abusive Relationship

2010-05-10T16:26:00.004+08:00

It was break time and we waited for our turn in our final mock chats. It's a practice chat for chat support representatives. Everyone was bored, most women were at my table. Some of them I like and those I didn't like transferred to my table. One of my friend named Jane asked our gay friend on what he thinks about her ex boyfriend. Jane went on with her story that I've heard days ago, and which she has been asking most of us for days. We all knew her story so Mady started her own.

She told us how abusive her first boyfriend was to her. Then Stephanie shared her story on how she lost her two front teeth from one blow of her ex-boyfriend's punch. Mady always lied to her friends and family whenever they ask about her bruise. One time she had two black eyes and she said that she fell and her sunglasses bruised her eyes. There was also one time when she was still in college. Her boyfriend opened her email and read her exs emails which was so long ago. He called Mady up, told her to go where he was. Mady was confused but went there anyway and the moment she stepped on the door steps. A strong blow of punch greeted her lip.

Their stories were sad but they somehow manage to laugh about it since it happened long time ago.

One thing I'm only proud of this abusive relationship I have with my husband, is that he never hit me or abused me physically. We've been through so much. I've been through so much pain and I even thought I got the worst, but God opened my eyes. He showed me that there are people out there who had been through so much pain than I had. My husband may be a bad liar, cheater and a womanizer but at least he cooks for me, and gives me what I want. he continually spoils me.

I only asked Mady, Stephanie and Jane two questions that day. "For how long were you abused?" Most of them answered more than three years. Then my second question was "Why didn't you just run away or break up with them?" Their answers were the same, "because he was my first and I was afraid that no one else would take me."

Years had passed and they finally broke up with their boyfriends. Now, they are free and they laugh about those things.

Update

2010-05-02T02:41:00.002+08:00

It's been YEARS since my last post. To some who have been here before; you might want to ask how's everything with my life, particularly in relationships and emotions. Well, I now have so much more to add. Life is still treating me cruelly and it's not all my fault. So many people have contributed now.

Updates:

1. My husband or the main subject this blog has been bitching on, had cheated on me 6 times already.

2. Two bitches to add on this story

3. I am drowsy and will continue later on with my life.

WHAT I MISS MOST

2007-02-11T16:39:00.002+08:00

i miss the way we held our hands so tight..afraid that someday we might let it go..
i miss the way we dance even if there was no music..
i miss the way you carry me around..
i miss the times we look up in the sky and try to count the stars..
i miss the way you hug me tight..
i miss your scent..the one i smell when you sweat..
i miss your sweet kisses..so sweet that i can't let your lips go..
i miss the way we fool around without fighting on the dumbest things we think of..
i miss the way you surprise me..
i miss the way you look at me even from afar..
most of all..
i miss the way you love me..it was the only thing that kept me hangin'

WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

2007-02-11T16:38:00.002+08:00

usa sa pina ka karaan nablognako..ayaw nalng pangotana kinsa kong buot pasabot ani.. :p

as much as i hate to admit it..i still am paranoid, obsessed, torn & broken..
my tormented sick and arrogant soul won't and can't let go of what it loves most..
~you~

my heart so full of mud & hate find it sooo damn hard to forgive what you both
soul slayers and life crashers did..
countless precious tears fell from these beautiful eyes.
all just because of what you think and felt was right.
You both wrecked my life and gave me the most painful feeling i could barely take.
i wish you'd go to hell for that..
but then that would be unfair, coz i'll be in heaven feeling sorry for you.

how can she be the only subject?
why wouldn't you care how i feel and how i care?
every little thing and mistakes you will do will affect me. got that?
even a stupid crazy person would understand that..
you, the most careless and insensitive being i've ever known won't even get the hint!

how dare you say that i'm insensitive? have i ever hurt anyone the way you hurt me?
did i crash somebody's life?
did i recklessly made somebody cry?
did i ever played behind your back? (for crying out loud you know what i mean)
and if i did something wrong, did i ever mean it?
i thought i was too harsh then you prove that you are worst than iam..
i know you would hate to hear this beacuse you can't accept the fact that ~iam~
better than the both of you.

As stupid as you are i know you wouldn't get what i mean..
because you refuse to understand.. because you are stupid..

nobody blamed you for breaking her..was it not her's & your choice?
wasn't it made out of love?
then why would you throw me that lamest reason?
just say it straight to my face that you still love her.
like i've always did, i'll take a deep breath and the pain.

SPADE

2007-02-11T16:08:00.003+08:00

"Son los locos que inventaron el amor"
[It must have been the lunatics who invented love]
~Paolo Coelho
"By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept"

LIFE:
Life begins when there are people who loves & cares for you with no condition.
Life starts in the morning when you are happy to wake up..
Life ends when you sleep happy ..
In the middle of life's adventure, there are circumstances & battles that we win or lose..
Life will move on for those who think it's fair..
Life ends for those who thinks it's unfair..

LOVE:
Life will be life if there is love.
Love is love when there are people we are willing to give it to..
Love lasts when there is trust..
Love ends when we lose faith..

HEART ACHES:
Heart breaks because we love too much..
Heart aches because we love ourselves less..
Heart breaks when they take our trusts..
Heart aches heal slowly by time..

PAIN:
We will never learn 'til we feel pain.
We will never live without pain..
Pain is an advantage..
Pain is good..
When you feel pain, embrace it..never let go 'til you're tired of it..
else, it will come back and haunt you..killing you gently.
Pain is all in the mind..so forget..

TEARS:
Tears should fall to let go of pain.
Tears should fall when you feel joy.
Tears should be shed when we lose someone..
Hiding ou tears will make us numb.
Crying for someone who doesn't deserve it is foolish..and stupid.

FORGIVENESS:
To forgive is the best..
When you forgive, there will be peace..
Forgiveness is what we all need..
I like this one text message a friend sent me:
When asked about what forgiveness is, a little boy gave this beautiful answer:
"Forgiveness is the sweet scent that flowers gave, when they are being crushed!"

ACCEPTANCE:
Accept that you can't have everything..
Accept that you are not everything..
Accept that life is not perfect..
Accept that in every joy there will be sorrow and pain..
Accept that there will always be a mistake..
Accept what you can't..

LET GO:
Let go of dreams you can't have..
Let go of the person who needs to lfy..
Let go of pain..
Let go of what's not yours.
Let go of memories that may hurt you..

MEMORIES:
Memories are good..it can heal a soul..
but some memories are meant to be forgotten.
Some memories will hurt you..
It won't & might happen again..
Choose which memory stays & go..
Some memories can bring you down..
My favorite quote to live by :"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that takes our breath away"

MOVE ON:
Move on if you're unhappy
Move on to heal pain..
move on so you can live..
Move on and never look back..

A friend of mine said, "a spade: when inverted, is a heart that has been stabbed"
i like it..which is why i wrote this journal..a stabbed heart will take time to heal..
live happy you guys!

I need a good fright..

2007-02-11T16:07:00.004+08:00

when you are in doubt,crossed, unfixed and in bad release..
all you need is a good fright!

i almost slipped to the wet floor this morning..
my heart skipped a beat.
that gave me a really good fright
and gave me a really good analization that i should start renovating my life.

QUOTED

2007-02-11T16:07:00.003+08:00

i really lovethis text message i recieved. diri ko naka decide mag move on..char! ka luod..

When i was a little kid, i fell from the tree.
But i managed to hold on to a branch..
I was up there for a long time & waited..

The silence..
The pain in my arms..
The blood pumping in my ears..

Then i fell..

i couldn't remember what happened when i hit the ground..

All i could remember was THE AGONY OF HOLDING ON...
& THE WONDERFUL FEELING OF LETTING GO...

Moral:
Sometimes the point of holding on is useless & pointless.. Life's about moving onwards not backwards..

MY HATE LIST FOR SANTA

2007-02-11T16:06:00.001+08:00

pasensya.e na ninyu ni...pagawas sa gi bati lang...sa mga panan-aw...welcome inyu comments kaayu!

1.) hate nako nag mga tao nga di kasabot bisan claro na...
2.) mga tao nga feeling smart pero bogo d.i to..
3.) mga traydor na buwisit! mga tao na plastic..peke! hahahah..ka bisdak ba..
4.) mga babay na nag apas lang sa auto sa ilang uyab(sorry,mag lagot kog bitches ug mga social climber bisan pobre!)...
5.) mga tao nga feeling close nako bisan dili..mga tao di kasabot na di ko ganahan nila mag cge gihapon ug patagad..
6.) mga tao nga y claro..
7.) i hate people na dili "manutbrush" sa ilang ngipon..gwapa unta..or gwapo unta..attractive kaayu ug smile kai tongod sa kiki! unsa ba..y samin sa inyu?
8.) hate nako kanang mga hina sa memory..
9.) hate pod nako ang mga "feeling" (high school term pa na) heheheh...
10.) hate nako ang mga datu na hilas, samot na ang pobre na hilas!
11.) hate nako ang mang hagad ug inum nya walai e ka amot..pwede ba? puyo nalang sa inyu! y kwenta!
12.) hate nako ang mga gaga ug gago...
13.) subraan ka martyr
14.) ug mga babay dagko ug tiyan nga mag "baby tee." mao ni sila ang mga walai mga samin sa ila! dai ang stretch marks ug vilvil ma claro..tabuni intawn kay sakit sa mata!
15.) mga tao na y respeto sa angay respetoon..
16.) mga tao na lisud e ka lalis bsan obvious na nga sayop cla
17.) mga manawayun na utro pod sawayunon
18.) mga tao taas panan.aw sa ilang gagmay na kaugalingon
19.) mga tao maayu lang sa storya..
20.) mga tao mu gamit ug drugas aron ingnon "cool"
21.) mga botboton pareha ni nash..
22.) mga bryt nga d magpa kopya

and the list goes on........hantud diri lang mahigala kay daghan nya masuko...

A Flower In The Bottle

2007-02-11T16:05:00.005+08:00

she looks so pretty in her long white dress
no, she's not getting married..
she was crying yet she still looks so pretty..

she was holding a flower, standing by the shore
she wonder if she could let the flower go
will she? or will she not? she thought..
she loved the flower too much

the flower was slowly dying..
colors faded away..
petals starting to drop, stem started to bend

she finally made up her mind
she kissed the flower and placed it inside the bottle
she gathered all her strength and threw it with the waves

inside the bottle was a letter
a letter for whoever gets the bottle
"please take care of my little flower, it's all i have
but it's dying slowly with me so i got to let it go.
i pray that may this flower grows lovely with you
for it's the only kind in the world. a kind of flower that
grows happy to whoever it loves"

the waves sent the flower in the bottle off to shore
one lady found it..
she opened the bottle and read the letter.
she took the flower and brought it home

the lady took good care of the flower
the flower started to grow
with beautiful colors of the rainbow
t was happy.

the girl in a long white dress missed her flower
she wished that the waves had sent it to the right person
for the waves was her friends

she was dying slowly without her flower
but she didn't care
she loved the flower so much
letting it die is what she can't bare..

she said her last words:
"good bye my flower i love you soo much
you've always been the best
i pray that may you be happy wherever you are
my soul is ready to rest"

charing!

Aversion

2007-02-11T16:04:00.001+08:00

My, my, my… What a bad thing I've done lately...letting all my hate out through blogs… But it's good though.. It made me feel better and it made me realized a lot of things that I've been blinded to. This is my therapy. My form of release.. Thanks to those who’s been reading it.

Thanks to the people who gave such wonderful advices:

to Joe who said that if I continue this, my sorrow is == fungus’ happiness… She's right! It was the past, why would I let it ruin me? Well, I have an answer to that...because in the past, I did nothing when people stepped on me, betrayed me and even played behind my back. I did nothing when I was cut so deep. I did nothing when they broke me. I did nothing when they double crossed me. I did nothing when they ruined my poor life.
I only took a deep painful breath and cried. How pathetic is that? (“they” are consisted of 4 persons) May you have the worst fate! (ahahha..kidding!)
This soul of mine is bleeding, torn and bruised.

Joe told me never to trust Exs. Never let them be part in your relationship. She’s so damn right. And guys, if you plan to break up with your beaus, make sure that they (your exs) will not ruin the new relationship you have. It’s bullshit when you say that “we’re just friends”. Exs should never be friends. This is for theirs and your benefit! Let there be peace in the new relationship you now have. Break up is break up.

To my dad, the worst person I know, ginoo nalang bahala nimu! Hahaha!

To Gossip Queen, stop comparing me to your dear daughter. No matter how you scrutinize me, I look better and I am better than I was before. Let me live. Why do you hate me soo much? Why do you love to compare me? Why are you messing up my life?

To fungus, I’m happy now that she’s moving on and happy. Most of my blogs were about her. Be happy. The process of metamorphosis has begun from a fungus i see you now as a mushroom. A mushroom to poison ivy. A poison ivy to a little birdy.. Fly little birdy. Fly! Fly like a swan! Wahahaha! Boringog!

To those who hate me, pagtagbaw! I’m loving it!

Ooooooopppssss..me, me, me..bad.

Maybe some can relate to this blog. Let me advice you that those people we hate are not worth our time, our anger, our love, our trust. Let them do whatever they wanted to do. Their lives sucks, that’s why they wanna mess up with yours. Break free from aversion.
They will go to hell for it anyway! (hopefully) hahahah! btaw..
Vengeance, is not ours, it's God's. It’ll only get worst when you do it yourself. If we lift it all up to him, he’ll take charge and things will be great again. Wounds will heal, we’ll breathe easy and life will be great again! I love my God.

I'd like to say "I'm sorry" to those I've hurt deeply. I may have the worst attitude and tongue, but I do have a good heart and I do have a God who I fear and love most. I’m not the worst. If you want the worst, I’ll introduce you to them. I am just being myself. This is the real me. I don’t front. I don’t lie. I hate. I love. I forgive, but I can’t forget. Sorry! I’m only human… born to make things wild! Nyahahha!

All I Ever

2007-02-11T16:03:00.004+08:00

all i ever wanted was an apology
but my lady is selfish..

all i ever wanted was to be be happy..
i am now but i never was...

all i ever wanted is to be loved
i was and i am still..

all i ever wanted was a good life
i have it now but never before..

all i ever wanted was a word
but silence took it all away..

all i ever wanted was friendship
but trust broke it and sent it away..

all i ever wanted was peace..
but i'm finding it hard to get one..

i never wanted hate
but now it consumed me..

i want to forgive and forget
but memories keeps haunting me..

moving on..
loving him more..hating her less..

And So I Thought..

2007-02-11T16:03:00.003+08:00

i was the only one taking up all these hate that we all caused..i didn't know that you were in pain & hurting too..this aversion between us will soon end..good lord i pray it will..so that someday we won't look back and wish it would ever happen again..renovating our lives is a good job..however, i wish you really did..just don't get mad when i say hello someday. peace! be happy..i see you now as a flower waiting to be kissed by a handsome frog..

A Butterfly That I Hate

2007-02-11T16:01:00.002+08:00

once i had a lovely butterfly that I use to hate
I kept it inside my bottle and shake it
Happy to see it nauseous
Happy to see it fall apart
Happy to see it begging for me to stop

I do this everyday until somebody gave me a nudge…
He told me to let it go
The butterfly is dying, begging for its soul

I told the man that the butterfly can’t have it’s soul back
It’s soul belongs to me…
I’ll crash it... I’ll burn it... I won’t let it free!
Then the man told me, that if I won’t let it go, I’ll forever hate
But hate is what I could no longer take

I hesitated for a moment ‘til I realize
I’ll be like the butterfly if I won’t compromise…
For once upon a time the butterfly also loved to hate,
It’s because it couldn’t accept its tormented fate

So I let it go… set it free
The butterfly is now very happy…
I told the butterfly may it live so well…
Be happy, move on, live wild and free!