Ace Of Spade

I'd rather be called a bitch, a slut, a whore, than be called irresponsible mom.

It wasn't just the abuse of my trust and love that hurt me in this relationship, one of them was being stabbed at the back by the man you love.

When I'm with my friends, I always say good things about Ernel even though most of the time he was not. I never told anyone that he cheated on me before, the last time he cheated was the 6th time. And when I could no longer keep it to myself, I told the whole world about it. All my friends and our family were really shock about it.

What really hurt me most was when he told his mistresses Shyne and Sheila, ans his team mates, that I was an irresponsible mother to his kids. I don't know how he told him, but what he complained to me was that I never feed Migue myself, that I always let the Yaya do it. It was silly because he was the one who gave Migue bruises, I remember when Migue was a few weeks old he threw the lampin on his face because he won't stop crying, I remember when Migue was 6 months old he slapped his leg so hard because Migue won't stop crying, and I wasn't there because I was working. He was the one who spanked Migue with a belt that gave him bruises, because Migue had a fever and won't drink his medicine.

Am I the irresponsible one?

Let's not forget, was I who cheated?

Ever have someone who knows your weaknesses and abuses it?
The fact that they know you can't live without them, they take advantage of that.

I remember when Ernel packs his things because he wanted to leave (I wonder why he have to call himself a man) he does this to test me if I would want to keep him. He had done this several times, and every time he walks out of that door, I call him back home. I cry out loud even if the neighbors hear it. I used to think that I must not care, this is the love of my life is leaving. He comes back home and I assume he thinks, "Hahah You can't make it without me, I win again and I will be keeping Sheila or Shyne still."

I sometimes want to hit my head so hard on the wall for my senses to come back. No one made me cry so hard before. No one embarrassed me this much before. No one abused all the love I had before.

One day, Ernel wanted to leave again and this time I told him, "If you don't want us fixed ever, then leave. But please don't come back or show up at my mom's house. If I cry and ask you to stay, don't turn back. You must be firm. If you don't love me, and you don't want me to love you, make me feel that you don't. Stop abusing me." So he decided to stay and convinced himself never to do that again, because I'll never stop him again.

Sometimes we think that we can't make it without them, but we sure can! If you are in an abusive relationship, you might want to think if you deserve that. If you have no senses, might want to try banging that head of yours.

What would you do if in a daily basis, ma kita nimu ang mga kabit sa imung bana?
(The cebuano term is best when you want to make your sentence sound mad and bad)
I go to work each day, praying I will not see either of them. There were 2 mistress, one works at i2 building, one works at i3 building. Funny thing is, I work on both buildings. I get transferred from one office to the other. It makes me wish I get to pass the Narnia door our supervisors use when transporting from i2 to i3. They don't have to use the elevator to go down the lobby and walk to the next building.

If I happen to see both of them bitches the same day, I get furious. Seeing one of them makes me vicious enough.

What I do instead, I pray. God knows what I pray about. I got my fingers crossed each day hoping the good Lord above answers it. Don't worry, it's nothing bad. God doesn't answer evil prayers.